I picked home one last souvenir from South America, it's called the H1N1 virus. Wrongfully known as the Swineflue.

I was crossing the Atlantic when things started getting really bad, the fever was hallucinogenic and shaking me like a leaf and I grabbed the sleeve of the Air France steward. "I'm not feeling well, I should see a doctor" I said and the reply came as a brilliant mix of death anxiety and french rudeness: "Uh, yes... Terminal D... go there maybe... when we land". After that the stewards and stewardesses took long detours. A ring of empty seats formed around me. Peoples eyes were kind but determined, they read "Poor you, I really wish you all the best but if you come near me or my kid I will have to stab you with this plastic fork". I got up and went to the bathroom where I fainted.

Now I'm in quarantine for ten days. I can see the summer through my window and it's just perfect. Summer is always best through a window.

The Santiago show was so good. Only flaw was Javiera Mena's car accident the day of the show. I really wanted to see her play...

Buenos Aires. The best shows are always when you're faced with an obstacle, in this case a seated crowd in a big venue. When the crowd finally defied the law of the chairs the show became the best show of the year.

After the show part of Viktor's equipment got stolen, and I wanted to leave a word of advice for the thief regarding how to use the Trigger Finger media controller:

1. Connect to USB port
2. Warm up your fingers
3. Assume this position:

Topic for the month of June: 50 words

Write about what you want, but in no more or less than 50 words. Sorry I haven't been able to respond to all your e-mails from last month, tour preparations stole my time. And now I'm sitting in a van all day so I probably won't be able to answer all e-mails this month either. But I read everything I get. Promise.

In other news, the keys sold out in San Luis Obispo. I will make more but the Italian manufacturer says it will take 3-12 months to make new ones. That's how rare they are.

As a natural response to Tiffany's recent collection of jewelry keys I am now offering this beauty for sale at the upcoming shows.

It's made of brass, has my name engraved on it, and comes with a nice black cotton cord and a tag with some words. As much as it's symbolic meaning has been a secret in the past, I would currently like to think of it as the opposite of the "abstinence ring". Not in a sexual way, but in life, a promise to yourself that you will not wait. No more waiting, you're saying to yourself while adjusting the cord, tonight will be the night. You run your fingers through your hair, button up your shirt. One last look in the mirror. On your way across the street you step on a tulip, it occurs to you that it's the freshest sound you've ever heard.

Photo by Heather Christianson

The best thing to do at SXSW last year was to sneak into one of the theatres off 6th Street, sit in the back, order a drink and just watch comedy. I don't understand why anyone would want to see all those bands, to be honest after a few hours of all that noise going on I never wanted to see another band again. Which is kind of the same reason why I once brought along comedian Todd Barry for a tour of Sweden, so I wouldnt have to deal with all the shitty opening bands. Todd also introduced me to Tig Notaro that night in Austin. Her performance was my definite highlight of the whole festival and that's why I asked her if she wanted to join my tour up the west coast.

While on vacation in Italy, she managed to find a few minutes to answer some questions I sent her.

Some Tig Links:

http://www.tignation.com
http://www.myspace.com/tignotaro

JENS: First of all, your name - Tig - how did you get it?

TIG: My brother named me. I'm not sure why he chose "Tig." I've been trying to switch to "Carl" but apparently, it's hard for people to embrace that name when you're a woman pushing 40. We'll see. I'm still hoping it will catch on like wildfire.

JENS: We will be travelling up the west coast, which is your coast. Tell me about it. Why is the West coast the Best coast ? Where do we stop for snacks ?

TIG: I usually like to stop by this little mom and pop in my neighborhood called 7-11 when i want some snacks. Mind if we swing by there after you guys pick me up? I love the entire west coast, but I have to say, the Oregon coast is my favorite portion of it. Hopefully they have 7-11's up there.

JENS: You've been on TV a lot lately, the Sarah Silverman Program, In The Motherhood etc... but seriously, you're funnier than all those people. I mean Sarah and Cheryl Hines are great but when will you get your own show and what is it gonna be about ?

TIG: Well Jens, you are a very kind man. I've actually been in a never-ending holding pattern with this pilot for a tv show where I do stand-up in people's living rooms, garages, backyards, basements, rooftops, barns etc. This guy Wayne McClammy (who directed Sarah Silverman's "fucking Matt Damen" video) is attached as the director, but with both of our schedules and slight changes to the concept, it hasn't been the quickest project. We are actually right in the middle of writing the outline and meeting with comedians, in hopes of shooting it sooner than later. There are also a couple of sitcom pilots being written right now with characters for me, but i'm not sure if its cool to brag about at this point. People I'm REALLY excited to work with, if that matters at all. Sure, i wouldn't be the star of either sitcom, but the actors that ARE the stars would be DREAMS to work with if you were a comedian. Which i am a comedian, by the way. In the meantime, you can catch me online as "Rhoda" on the now defunct sitcom "In The Motherhood" and in 2010 in the new season of the Sarah Silverman program as "Officer Tig."

JENS: I guess the closest we get is your upcoming DVD "Have Tig At Your Party" which is like an advanced version of the fireplace video, with you talking casually into the camera. So is this your party persona ? You just stand in a corner and try to blend in ? We seem to have so much in common you and me.

TIG: If I'm at a party (and to me, a party means more than 2), I go immediately to the snack table and eat all the snacks. Actually, I do that alone too come to think of it. I'm surprised I haven't bumped into you there yet, considering you like snacks and corners too. I hate small talk. Especially in loud atmospheres. I love small groups or one on one. You and I should have a nice quiet one on one party in a corner, eating snacks while we each hold a single balloon and stare at each other.

JENS: What's your take on the art of seduction ?

TIG: Gosh, lately I've just been telling everyone that I'm touring with you. Now guess who's getting groped all the time. Not sure what I'll do after this tour with you. I guess just brag about the glory days of '09. Actually, before you came into my life, I just tried to smile as little as possible and avoid eye contact and that seemed to work like a charm. Oh, and apparently people seem to like it if you can make them laugh too for some reason.

JENS: After Todd Barry joined me for my Swedish tour 2007, he was instantly catapulted into fame and was last seen as Mickey Rourkes boss in Oscar nominated "The Wrestler". To which new heights do you think your career will reach after the two weeks on tour with me ?

TIG: Jens, i think two things are possible. If not both.
A) I'll end up in "The Wrestler II"
B) Latin Grammy

JENS: Why is your name mentioned in the definition of the word "Ass Laundry" ?

TIG: I have no idea. More importantly, why ISN'T yours?!

THE SUMMER NEVER ENDS PT 4:

The Arctic Ocean and the Atlantic Ocean
with Viktor Sjöberg, performing as a duo

July 18 - Porto, Portugal - Maus Hábitos
July 17 - Coimbra, Portugal - Salão Brazil
July 10 - Træna, The Arctic Ocean - Træna Festival

THE SUMMER NEVER ENDS PT 3:

The Summer Never Ends

Photo by Erica Kahr

(excerpt from) The Summer Never Ends /// I Really Think That We Can Make It Girl /// Nicolette Larsson - Lotta Love /// The Embassy - State 08 /// (excerpt from) New Directions /// Coke Escovedo - I Wouldn't Change A Thing /// Filippo Trecca - La Morte Dell'erminia /// His name is Mikael Carlsson, her name is Alicia Keys /// Lamont Dozier - Blue Sky and Silver Bird /// Cat Stevens - If You Want To Sing Out, Sing Out /// Jeff Perry - Love Don't Come No Stronger /// Good News - Australia /// Baby's Gang - America /// American Breed - Always You

Topic for the month of May: Breaking away

This will be the compulsory main subject of your e-mail. If you write to me it will have to be about this. If you wanna talk about something else you will have to make associations, find reference points.

THE SUMMER NEVER ENDS PT 2:

South America
with Viktor Sjöberg, performing as a duo

June 20 - Santiago, Chilé - TBA
June 19 - Buenos Aires, Argentina - TBA
June 17 - Curitiba, Brazil - Era Só O Que Faltava
June 16 - Recife, Brazil - UK Pub
June 14 - Porto Alegre, Brazil - Santander Cultural
June 13 - Sao Paulo, Brazil - Studio SP

Topic for the month of April: The Cold War

This will be the compulsory main subject of your e-mail. If you write to me it will have to be about this. If you wanna talk about something else you will have to make associations, find reference points.

Last months topic was a great success, it made our communication rise to a whole new level.

THE SUMMER NEVER ENDS PT 1:

The North American Pacific Coastline
with comedian Tig Notaro

June 7 - Vancouver, BC - TBA
June 6 - Portland, OR - Wonder Ballroom
June 5 - Seattle, WA - Crocodile Café
June 4 - Seattle, WA - Crocodile Café
June 3 - Eugene, OR - WOW Hall
June 2 - San Francisco, CA - Bottom of the Hill
June 1 - San Francisco, CA - Bottom of the Hill
May 30 - San Luis Obispo, CA - SLO Art Center
May 29 - Santa Barbara, CA - Velvet Jones
May 28 - Los Angeles, CA - The Echo
May 27 - Los Angeles, CA - The Echo
May 26 - San Diego, CA - The Loft, UCSD the Viktor Sjöberg Series

Additional shows in Vancouver and possibly Alaska to be confirmed soon.

The Syntax Of Sports
By Lauren Miller

1. There is at least two or more players. Never only one.
2. There are rules that are upheld by tradition and sometimes a very calm man/woman who is supposed to act as an impartial voice of reason.
3. Regardless of the weather or the events of the day, the game must go on.
4. You are expected to be tested mentally and physically.
5. You will dream about it.
6. You will come to know the many faces of pain and joy.
7. You will eventually begin to learn and develop your own language in relation to the game.
8. You will feel, if you have done all of these things, that a part of you has been taken by the sport, and you will regard that part of yourself with a fierce veneration and deep respect found only by poets and their words. Except you will love and respect and test and hate your body too.
9. Eventually someone will tell you that your sacrifice is not worth the game. And you will doubt them and yourself. And like everyday you will face a decision: to forgive the offense; to consider the offense; to give up however reluctantly- the friendship or the game. Truly the paths for feelings followed by action are endless and multiply.
10. You will understand justice and virtue because you will consider good, evil, and the possibility that there is sometimes neither and they are nameless.
11. You will have to allow for the game and your understanding to change.
12. You must allow for the possibility that we are all just men with a goal

I have decided to establish a few more groundrules in our communication. The first is a topic of the month. This topic will be the compulsory main subject of your e-mail. If you write to me it will have to be about this. If you wanna talk about something else you will have to make associations, find reference points.

This is mainly because I see our communication as an exchange, not a service. I have come to a point now where I feel like I couldn't live without your words. But I also spend a lot of time everyday answering the same questions over and over. For these questions such as "when do you play in my town next?" I have created a newsletter. You sign up on the contact page.

The topic from now until the end of March will be 'Sports'. That should be broad enough to start with, right ?

Also as soon as I get some cash I'm getting a PO box here so you can send me letters if you'd like that. I've taken down the Secretly Canadian address for now since it was taking so long for me inbetween visits to the headquarters. I was becoming a bit concerned because some of you apparently like sending food-like items, maybe it was cookies or bread or something, I don't know, it's hard to tell when you pick it up 6 months later, ha ha.

Speaking of which, Australia has some of the strictest quarantine laws in the world. So basically don't send anything except paper and ink. Make sure the ink is not animal blood.

There will be a benefit show for the bushfires this upcoming sunday, March 1st, at East Brunswick Club. A couple of bands are playing and I will be playing records. Go here for more information. Please come out and show your support.

In related news, my dear housemate has let me rip her parents old dusty records, so expect a nice mix of Alexandrian cosmopolitan polyglotic hits .Je t'aime, je t'adore, comme la salsa di pomodore.

/ Jens

For future reference, Smalltalk is not a blog or a diary. It is highly suphisticated conversational trivia. An attempt to establish a set of groundrules for our communication. A collection of pickup lines I wouldn't recommend.

Which is why I don't usually talk about the weather here. But hell came to visit the state of Victoria the last couple of days, on Saturday the thermometer had reached the 50 Celsius mark, and then it ran out of numbers. Dead possums were lying on the streets, under the withering trees. The wind was a monster sucking my breath out and the dryness from the last weeks heat turned every little straw and leaf into a potential fuse.

The AC broke down and I was lying on the floor when my housemate turned on the TV and the news of the bushfires came on. The magnitude of the tragedy is of course nothing I need to repeat here, you can read about it in every newspaper. My thoughts go out to all the people who have lost their families and homes.

I've been to these smalltowns, I've driven through them on my way somewhere or nowhere. I've stopped to try the local breweries and to swim in a small lake, check the garage sales and op-shops, finish the day with a vanilla slice. I recognise the names on TV but there's nothing to recognise of the places themselves, they're completely gone. Melbourne offers this kind of surrealism, a false comfort as if it's denying the ground it is built upon. Just like all the major Australian cities are merely tiny dots along the coastlines of a vast land that is both brutal and breathtaking.